I never intend to make it happen, or even so, want it to happen, because when you are being clumsy, things feel like they just don’t want to stay in order. They tend to fall and create a mess.
In my case, it was in the phase where it bothered me.
“Stop being so clumsy and take it slow, nightman!” a friend of mine told me the other time after I dropped sauce on a bedsheet.
Yet, the story continues. In my previous office, I think I dropped a glass of water several times. My colleague went pissed, I think. He said, “I have told you to stop using those plastic glasses like a hundred times. Yet, here we are again…”
I hurried up, looking for some paper to wipe out the water that I spilled.
But hear my defense. First, I don’t want to drop anything. I did not want anything to spill out. It’s just that the plastic glass with the water was set in the wrong place, and I mistakenly bumped into it. And it fell off.
Is it my mistake? Probably, but let me make it clear that I don’t want it to happen.
“But I told you to stop using those plastic glasses, dude! And it’s called the act of prevention!”
“I guess that’s the way it is then. It is what it is, the glass is meant to be spilled,” I argued and made him more mad at me.
I sound like a little dick until here. But trust me, I try to be less clumsy. I want this clumsiness to disappear, to go to the void where it can’t bother me. Because I think it harms me. It started in the phase where it cost me.
Yesterday, when I bought a cup of coffee, I accidentally tossed it and it spilled. The coffee is a little bit pricey. Yet, as I wanted to sit and do something, I had to purchase a new one. Arghh. Hate myself at this stage.
Tracking down where it comes from, I remember back when I was in the first year of elementary school. One of my teachers said that I was too hasty in making decisions. They mentioned that I could complete tasks quickly, but sometimes the work became fumbling.
“Harun is smart, but his works tend to be sloppy and careless,” that's the gossip that I hear.
I recalled those moments.
I was the kind of student who did everything fast. Because back then, let’s say in an exam, I wanted to do it as fast as I could so I could look smart. On the other hand, if I didn’t know the answer, there was no reason to stay longer in the classroom. If the question wasn’t that hard, I would do it straight away, always thinking I did it correctly.
Yet, when they discussed the exam, I noticed where I was wrong and everything.
I also remember some funny incidents when I look back on today.
In the first year of elementary school, I once fell and was hit by a school cabinet. The cabinet was filled with hundreds of books. I remember vividly that I wanted to get a book from the top shelf. The short reach forced me to climb the shelves to reach the high-placed book.
The excessive load caused the cabinet to fall and hit me. It was very painful. I even didn’t go to school for 10 days. I think it wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t been so careless and curious to reach for a book that was placed too high.
In another case, I secretly damaged my cellphone. At that time, coincidentally, my phone charger was broken, and I tried to fix it. What I knew was that electricity carries energy. If the energy is directly put into the phone, the battery will increase.
However, I didn’t know about something called an adapter, or a voltage reducer so that the phone wouldn’t be shocked by high voltage from the electrical outlet. As a result, the phone immediately became unusable.
Another time, even before elementary school, I once damaged my grandmother’s only heirloom. A very valuable tuning radio. It seemed like this radio was our entertainment during lazy evenings when we didn’t feel like going to the neighbor’s house to watch TV.
One day, the radio’s sound started to become unclear. The tuning was also problematic. Armed with a screwdriver and some simple tools, I tried to fix this radio.
Yes, I successfully opened it and disassembled the radio. The next problem was, I didn’t even know how to close all the hardware with various screws that I had opened.
It was frustrating.
I think this clumsiness comes from the fact that I feel like I’m always in a hurry. It makes me out of breath. It makes me do things in a less considered way.
I often promise myself to take things slowly. To savor what I do. Not to rush. To do something right, not quickly. I feel like this has always been my weakness. Doing everything in a hurry. Deciding without much consideration. Doing it first and trying to accept the consequences afterward.
This approach seems to need a change. I have tried. I also don’t want to be clumsy all the time. I am tired, and it only harms me. If you meet me somewhere, could you remind me not to hurry?
